Scanxiety is real

I'll be spending a few minutes in this tube tomorrow afternoon to find out if the cancer has changed.

So yes, this CT scan has me feeling anxious. Though overall I've been improving, feeling better and doing more, I'm also having more wheezing and having trouble catching my breath during exertion.

I wonder... is there cancer in my lungs? Can it go from bones to organs?

I don't know.

But something is wrong with my lungs.

But what? I finally see a pulmonoligist next Monday. That visit should give some insight.

But first is the scan tomorrow afternoon.

I'm feeling the concern.

I'm grouchy, short-tempered, don't want to do anything.

And I notice what I think are floaters at the edge of my vision. But what if they're not floaters but something connected with the cancer that is in my skull?

You see where my thoughts are going now. I try not to let them go too far.

For six hours before the scan I can't have anything by mouth—no food or drink. So I'll need to be hydrating during the night before I have to quit drinking. Because being well-hydrated helps make my difficult sticks maybe not as difficult. Maybe.

I hope for a vein whisperer tomorrow.

And then after the scan I wait until Wednesday after lunch to see my oncologist to find out what's in the scan.

I think of folks I know who have gotten not-good scan news. I know that's a possibility.

And I know what is is.

It is right now.

If the cancer has spread, it has spread as I sit here typing.

Weird, huh?

And perhaps even weirder is that that thought helps me breathe into what is.

Because right at this moment I'm okay. I have a bit of a headache, but other than that I feel fine. Just a little anxious.

I have the sprinkler watering some soil where I plan to plant zinnias. I'll have dinner in a few minutes. The cats will be begging for evening snacks.

Honestly, I feel just fine.

So whatever is right now is okay.

I do ask for your prayers and good vibes as I travel through this week.

A couple of friends are driving me to the appointments. I can drive myself but I find I rather having company, someone to talk with, during these appointments. And I'd rather not have to think about driving or parking. So these friends are making tomorrow and Wednesday easier for me. For that I'm very grateful.

For this evening I'll try to breathe into the now. The now when I feel okay.

I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow. And with Wednesday on Wednesday.

And for this evening I'll be grateful for the goodness that surrounds me. And for the prayers and good thoughts y'all send up for and to me.

I'll be grateful for feeling okay.

And I'll get out the cat treats...