Pretty good days & mediocre-at-best ones

Friends ask how I'm doing.

Well, it's a mixed bag.

Some days I feel pretty darn good. I feel like getting some things done around the house. Or doing some painting with acrylics. Or drawing. Or writing. Or running errands.

And some days I'm nauseated all day and don't feel like doing much of anything.

The last several days have mostly rotated. Good day followed by nauseated day followed by good followed by nauseated and so on.

And some evenings are totally weird in that I start sweating profusely and fall asleep in my chair. I simply cannot stay awake. I can watch a few minutes of TV and then I'm sound asleep. It's so odd. That started almost every evening around 9 PM toward the end of my sister's visit (she went home on Saturday).

But I've gotten a break the last couple of nights and have actually watched entire TV shows.

I mentioned this sweating/sleeping malady to my doc last week, and she said the sweating might be caused by caffeine or fried food or something else I ate. That does partially track, though I've not quite figured it out completely.

Honestly, it mostly seems pretty random.

Yesterday I was nauseated most of the day and even felt like I was going to faint at one point when I was waiting in my car while a friend did some grocery shopping for me. But I lay back in my seat and that took care of the faint feeling. And within an hour I felt considerably better.

Who knows what causes these weird symptoms?? Probably the cancer med? I'll talk with my palliative care doc about it next Thursday. Maybe she'll have some insights.

But for now I just try to take one day at a time.

When I feel nauseated or otherwise rotten, I take it easy. And when I feel better, I try to get something done.

And I try to be happy with however each day turns out.

And to appreciate the goodness that's all around, whether it's someone helping me or checking on me or whether it's flowers blooming and birds singing and cats napping. You see in my photos that some of the small tulips I planted a long time ago have come up. The photo above was this morning before it warmed up. And the photo below is the same tulips after the temps climbed into the 70s.

You might wonder how I feel today.

It's been one of the mostly good days without nausea, though I'm tired from not getting much sleep the last couple of nights. That's also a challenge sometimes. My cats wake me around 4 am to be fed, and sometimes I can't get back to sleep.

But the good thing is that I don't spend my time worrying about things in my life. If you'd told me a few years ago that I'd have cancer spread to my bones and that I'd go through treatment and not spend my time worrying...well, I wouldn't have believed you!

But it's true for me now.

I don't project into the future. Or not much and not often. I figure the big things I will need to deal with will become clear in time.

Right now I'm doing okay, able to get around fairly well (not needing a walker) and often not needing a cane. I have nausea, but not too bad. I can eat something every day. Some days I can actually enjoy food. Those days are especially nice ones.

Overall my life is pretty darn good. And I'm grateful for that.

It's March and flowers are blooming. Trees are scattering their pollen so I've upped my allergy meds. But I enjoy seeing the buds and blooms and feeling the warm temps even with the congestion spring brings.

And I'm grateful to be here on earth for another season of change. Those seasons, spring and fall, have always been my favorites.

And since I'm talking about spring, I'll close with the poem that most comes to mind for me this time of year. It's by e e cummings.

in Just-
spring when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame balloonman

whistles far and wee

and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and
piracies and it's
spring

when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer
old balloonman whistles
far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing

from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

it's
spring
and
the

goat-footed

balloonMan whistles
far
and
wee