How much of the hard stuff do I share?

I'll begin by saying I'm grateful that I don't feel as rotten as I did for the months before and after my October 2026 diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer that has spread to "multiple" places in my bones.

Because I'm doing better than I was then, folks seem to assume that I'm on an upward climb of feeling better and better and better. Maybe that assumption comes from the way illness usually works. We get sick and then we get better and better and better until we're "well" again.

But that's not my experience. I don't get better and better and better. I have some days that are better than others but I don't have days when I feel good all day. If I feel good for a couple of hours I'm grateful!

I'm also aware that I've gone to the out-of-sight-out-of-mind category for lots of friends now that they're not concerned that I'll be dying in a few months. They used to check this blog weekly to see how I'm doing. But now they don't check as often. I realized I'd changed categories when I didn't hear from a couple of friends after I posted my last blog post. They'd usually contact me after a post. This time I realized they hadn't seen the post because they're less concerned about me.

And I get that. I'm like that too.

Many times in the past I've had a friend who was struggling with health challenges. And after a while I'd forget to check on them. Or pray for them. I wouldn't think of them for days at at time because I was busy living my life.

I know that's how life is. We are living our busy lives. And there's nothing wrong with that.

It a different kind of life when you have chronic illness though.

Less busy than when you're healthy.

Honestly, I don't want people to be worrying about me. I want them to live life and enjoy themselves.

But I also don't want them to assume I'm having good days most days.

Because I'm not. I hardly have any days when I feel pretty good all day long. I might have a couple of hours or half a day of feeling the "good" that "normal" felt before cancer intervened. (Yes, it's not until you're not healthy that you realize that "normal" health is actually feeling "good"!)

But too many days now I have low-level nausea that stays with me most of the day. Maybe for a whole week. Like last week. It came back this morning but let up later in the day.

Nausea is very wearing. As those of you who've had morning sickness know.

And/or I'll have joint pain or muscular pain or a headache most of the day. Taking the breakthrough pain med can help with that. Sometimes my lower back hurts exactly where the bone biopsy was. So that makes me wonder if the cancer is getting geared up again.

And/or I'll be super tired. Like drag-myself-around tired, a level of tired I hardly ever experienced before cancer. I have that a lot, especially when my monthly B12 shot starts to wear off. Even on days soon after the B12 I can get tired really quickly from some activity. Not even a lot of activity. Anything involving physical exertion. Standing for a while counts.

And/or I'll be super tired AND sweat profusely. That usually strikes at night. Last week during the middle of one night I woke up because I was sweating so much that it was dripping in my ears as I lay on my back. My pillow was drenched. But I felt too out of it to even change the pillow case. So I just slept soaking wet! I think maybe during times like that I'm having a weird vasovagal response.

I don't share these things very often. And I don't even want to share with people who actually ask because I feel sure they get tired of hearing how bad I feel.

But maybe I shouldn't assume that??

Maybe I should be more forthcoming?

So that people know it's a tough journey??

Yeah, it's hard. Life is hard now. Even when it's not a "bad" day. And yes I know others are going through much worse.

But I do get in a funk some days. Like today. I get so tired of feeling rotten. And I feel a deep sadness.

And then I feel guilty for that because I feel I should be grateful to be alive.

Finding the balance of gratitude while still acknowledging how hard life is at this point is challenge.

My intent is not to have a post of a woe-is-me litany. But I also want y'all to know that I feel kind of rotten a lot of the time on most days. And "good" is often really just "less rotten." And it's not full days of feeling good.

I'm not completely miserable most of the time. Just somewhat miserable. Though I know the infusion flu misery is coming at the end of next week. The bone-strengthening infusion does help me, but boy it makes me feel like I have the flu a couple of days after the infusion. Those days are rough. It's hard when you know misery is what's coming!

I'm sharing this difficult part of this cancer journey so that you know I'm not always positive and upbeat and full of gratitude.

Sometimes I get down. Grouchy. Sad. Tired of feeling down and grouchy and sad.

I'll end this post with by saying what I have to remind myself of every day.

Stay in the now. Find the gifts in the now. And if now is pretty rotten, know that now changes.

I chose this photo of a plant in my backyard for the header photo because it has this dying yellow and brown part in the middle of the green. My health is like this yellow and brown part. I have green but also yellow and brown in the middle.