Frustrating afternoon. And more.

I had nice, quiet Christmas with my sister, though I had extra nausea most of the week. But there was also something good in that my breathing has improved A LOT and my ribs hurt a great deal less.

I was looking forward to meeting the psychosocial oncology counselor the day after Christmas. I had a call on December 15th scheduling me to see her at 3 PM on the 26th. I'd get to talk about myself for a whole hour. Talk with someone who specializes with counseling oncology patients and caretakers. Talk about how hard it can be some days.

But I got to my appointment and tried to check in. And my name was NOT on the schedule!

WHAT??!!

Talk about frustrating. I was standing at the counter and saw the counselor come in to get the person who had "MY" slot! At least that's how it felt. And off she went with him while I stood there leaning on my walker, no appointment, even though the person on the phone who scheduled me gave me the option of three slots: Christmas Eve at 9AM, the 26th at 2 or 3PM. I chose 3PM because my sister was supposed to work that day but might be able to take me to the appointment and work from the oncology unit. Instead she took the afternoon off for what turned out was for NO reason.

The women at the counter suggested I go over to the scheduling desks to get on the schedule to see the counselor later. The scheduler was apologetic, but I was feeling frustrated and hurt and angry. I truly felt like I was being kicked while I was down. I still feel that way. It's not sucky enough that I had cancer twice and now one kind of the cancer has spread to multiple places in my bones...

No, that's not sucky enough, so why not pretend to have me come in to be listened to, to be heard, for someone to give me an hour to talk about how sucky this all is, AND THEN...NOPE!!

"You don't have an appointment even though we told you that you do! Too bad, so sad."

They sure fooled me!

INSTEAD I came in hoping for a trained, listening ear....only to watch the counselor take someone else back to her office while I stood there with my walker with no one to talk with, no reason to have gotten ready and have my sister take time off to drive me the 25-minutes to an appointment...

Which was somehow not entered into the schedule!

The scheduler I went to yesterday did try to contact the counselor. Or she said she was messaging her. I can't verify that because I've heard nothing from anyone. The scheduler also said something to the effect that "my" time slot had just gotten filled. Well, it was open BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE IT!

All of this just made me feel more frustrated and angry and hurt. And I'm honestly not sure what to do with these feelings.

I (supposedly) have an appointment with this counselor on January 13th. And now what was feeling like a gift, something that would be good for me...well, now it feels tainted. I won't go in open and vulnerable as I would have yesterday. Now there's a negative experience attached to my thoughts of talking with a counselor. I'll try not to give in to that feeling, but I'm not sure I can shake it.

I thought when we left the office yesterday that was it...

But wait... there's more!!

It was pretty sucky to show up for a not-appointment and be sent away.

I wasn't sent away with no "gift" though...

Because last night around 2AM I woke feeling nauseated and sweating profusely. I thought surely I could just go back to sleep and when I woke up the next time the nausea would be gone.

I fought the nausea while sweating, sweating, sweating.

And I finally realized I had to go to the bathroom, that resistance was futile.

So I grabbed my walker and hobbled as quickly as I could to the bathroom. (TMI WARNING!) I dealt with diarrhea. And then the nausea really ramped up at the same time. So I dumped the trash out of the trash can and threw up into it.

My sister was asleep in the next room with white noise going because my boy cat wakes us in the middle of the night meowing loudly to be fed. Every night. So my sister probably wouldn't hear me call her.

After I finished throwing up I took a Zofran and prayed I could keep it down for it to work and knock out the vomiting. And I took my walker and hobbled over to my sister's room to ask for her help.

And gosh did I feel bad about that because the plan was for her to go home to be with her husband today. And here I was messing up that plan...their having a Saturday evening together to go out and enjoy a meal and some music.

They both say it's okay. They don't blame me.

But I still feel bad that they lose that time together because of me. Me AND the sucky scheduling that brought me to a non-appointment where apparently I caught a throw-up bug!

The good news in all of this is that I only vomited that one time. I slept most of the rest of the night. With my sister checking in on me now and then. The last two times I had a throw-up bug I vomited from eight to 12 times. So just once was a blessing!

And—amazingly—my ribs didn't hurt. They must be healed or mostly healed.

Today I'm taking it easy, drinking Pedialite and ginger ale, eating a few saltines. My sister is doing things around the house and fetching things for me as I need them.

I'm hoping beyond hope that I do fine the rest of today and tonight and that my sister can get on the road tomorrow to be back with her husband and their little cat.

This cancer journey sure has its twists and turns. Some days I do really well. And some days, like yesterday and last night, the journey about does me in. I'm so weary.

But I try to take it an hour at a time and not look too far into the future. Or dwell too much in the past.

Though sometimes the frustration gets the best of me, and I want to throw or punch something. And sometimes I do.

What's next? Who knows???!

I'll do the best I can at each moment. Sometimes that "best" won't be very good.

But sometimes it is.

I just pray for grace.

And am thankful for my sister's help and the support of many others.

Even if it's not from some of the oncology scheduling folks!